Tidbits and Stuff
by Sophia Hawkins
Summary: A look at the Conner household in between moments of the show.
1. Chapter 1

Roseanne: Tidbits

A/N: So this story is mainly just going to be little ideas for what would've been great scenes between the scenes we actually saw for certain episodes. Hope everybody enjoys, this is my first attempt at writing Roseanne though I've been a fan of the show for many years. Standard disclaimer: don't own, don't sue. Please read and review.

"You're dead. OH BOY are you dead! The LATE Roseanne Conner!" Dan told Roseanne as he left the kitchen.

Roseanne stood back in her witch costume and laughed at Dan's outburst. She held her hand out to Geoff and told him, "Thanks for your help, Geoff, this is one Halloween I'm going to remember for the rest of my life."

"You're welcome, Roseanne," Geoff replied as he shook her hand, "I hope I didn't cause you any trouble with Dan."

"Oh so he got the crud scared out of him and thought he lost out on a major job, he'll get over it," she said nonchalantly.

From the living room, the doorbell sounded, Roseanne looked at Geoff and told him, "I gotta go, we got a house to haunt, and _now_ I'm going to have to find a way to improvise around the missing mad scientist."

"It was nice meeting you, Roseanne," Geoff called after her as he headed for the back porch, "Happy Halloween."

"Happy Halloween!" Roseanne called back cheerily as she scampered back to the living room and told D.J., "Hit it!"

Roseanne hit the button on the tape player so the greeting, "Welcome to the Tunnel of Terror! Ha-ha-ha! Please, join us!" played more or less in time with D.J.'s lip synching. She, Jackie, Crystal and the girls saw a couple dozen more trick or treaters, and their parents, through the Conner haunted house that night, all the while Dan and Geoff talked business out by the garage.

A couple hours later when everything was wrapping up for the night, Geoff was getting ready to leave and he told Dan, "I'm sorry about that gag earlier, your wife really wanted to scare you and…" he shrugged mischievously, "I guess I couldn't resist."

"Oh yeah," Dan tried to be nonchalant about it, "Well it's all in good fun, Geoff, uh, Halloween, everyone's entitled to one good scare, right?"

"I guess so," Geoff responded as he turned to head for his car in the front. He turned back to the man in the white lab coat, who'd had an axe in his forehead for part of the night and said to him, "I hope you're not mad at your wife about this."

"Mad? Me?" Dan asked with his eyes squinted and a big grin on his face, "No, I'm not mad, Geoff, I don't get mad."

They said their goodbyes and Geoff headed for the street out front, and Dan turned towards the garage and said to himself, "I don't get mad…I get _even_ ," and he headed into the garage.

* * *

"I'm exhausted," Roseanne said as she flipped off the light for the front porch.

"I'm just glad to get out from under that table," Jackie said as she stretched her legs before collapsing on the couch, "Half of Lanford must've passed through this house tonight."

"Hey," Becky stood in the doorway from the kitchen and said, "The apples are still leftover from the apple bob, nobody got to use them."

"There's a ton of candy left too," Darlene added as she came out of the kitchen, "We rushed everyone out before they were able to get it."

"Whoops," Roseanne replied in a coy tone with a cheeky grin on her haggy face.

"Roseanne," Jackie looked at her sister inquiringly.

Roseanne just shrugged and replied, "Hey it's not like they didn't get nothing." She gestured to the table in the living room and said, "We gave away most of the hot dogs."

"Cold hot dogs, yum," Darlene sarcastically said, "Bet that goes great in between a popcorn ball and a Hershey bar."

Crystal and Lonnie came in off the back porch and Crystal, finally done with her Glinda voice and speaking like she normally did again, told Roseanne, "Hey Roseanne, we're going home, I gotta get Lonnie to bed."

"Mom!" her son, reluctantly dressed as a pirate, whined as he followed after her.

"Well thanks for coming, Crystal, it was a great time with you here," the black haggy witch gave the blue glittery witch a hug goodbye, "I'll see you at work tomorrow."

"'Kay," Crystal headed for the front door and waved goodbye with her wand, "Bye everybody, Happy Halloween!"

"Happy Halloween," Jackie and D.J. called back.

"Okay, you guys start taking what _you_ want out of the candy that's left," Roseanne took down a couple of the Halloween decorations and said, "I'm going to take a few of these things out to the garage now while I still got the energy and the interest, so there won't be so much to clean up tomorrow." She headed for the kitchen, but turned back and told them firmly, "But hey! Don't hog all the good chocolates, that's _my_ job."

* * *

Roseanne tried to let on that she wasn't impressed with Dan's joke on her, but the truth was even now she could still feel her heart pounding against her chest. He'd stayed out by the garage to gloat at being the 'master'. Well he didn't know who he was messing with. It was payback time and payback, just like her, could be a real bitch.

As Roseanne reentered the kitchen, she tried to think of what would be the best way to get revenge on Dan, _what_ would scare him worse than anything? After a minute, it came to her. She went to the phone on the kitchen wall and dialed a number, and waited.

"Hey Crystal, are you in bed yet?" Roseanne asked, and after Crystal's response she halfheartedly replied, " _Sorry_. Hey listen, I think my phone's going bad, can you call me back and I'll see if it rings?" She grinned, "Thanks."

She hung up the phone and tensely waited. A few seconds later, she saw Dan enter the kitchen, still strutting around, going every so often, "The master!"

The phone rang, Roseanne picked it up. "Hello?" She rolled her eyes and grumbled, "Hi, Mom."

Dan took that as a cue to leave the kitchen since the phone call wasn't for him, and he didn't want to talk to Bev.

Roseanne waited until he was out of earshot and said lowly into the receiver, "I'll explain tomorrow, thanks, Crystal." She heard a click on the other end of the receiver and said into hers as she stretched the cord over to the kitchen table, "That's great, Mom…uh huh." She pulled out a chair and sat down, however long it took for Dan to come back into the kitchen, she was going to be ready. The master, _indeed_.


	2. Chapter 2

"Why do we have to go to the haunted house at the lodge this year?" Becky asked.

"Yeah, this bites," Darlene agreed, "Why can't we just do our own haunted house at home like we did last year?"

"Because your dad's lodge is doing one of their own and it's going to be for charity," Roseanne explained to her children, "And we're certainly going to support a good cause where, you know, we don't have to do any real work ourselves."

"What if we did our own haunted house for charity?" Darlene suggested.

Roseanne flashed one of her 'I'm onto you' smirks and replied, "Because I get the strangest feeling somehow that money for charity would wind up in _your_ pocket, Darlene."

"Hey," she shrugged, "Charity begins at home, right?"

Becky rolled her eyes at her sister's comment.

"Alright you two," Roseanne said as she went to get her coat, "Your aunt Jackie and I are going to go out and pick out our costumes and get your brother one, you two be thinking about what you're going to be. I'm not going to be embarrassed by having anyone of my family show up on Halloween _out_ of costume."

Jackie poked her head into the living room and asked, "Everything okay in here, sis?"

"Yeah," Roseanne answered as she stuck her arms into the sleeves of her coat, "Just let me get my purse." On the way, she stopped by the stairs and hollered up, "DEEEEE-JAAAAAY!"

There was a pause before they finally heard the little boy's voice call down the stairs, "WHAT?"

Roseanne looked up the stairs and called up, "If you want to go and get a Halloween costume, get your butt down here in the next 10 seconds."

There was another pause before they heard him respond, "Okay!"

Roseanne picked up her purse and counted half under her breath, D.J. came stampeding down the stairs and reached the bottom with five seconds to spare.

"What're you going to be for Halloween, Deej?" Jackie asked.

"I don't know yet," he answered.

Roseanne stood next to her son and looked down at him and told him, "Well get your coat on, Mister, or else you'll be going as a kid with pneumonia for Halloween."

"Mo-ther," Becky said in her exaggerated, annoying tone, "You _don't_ get pneumonia from being in the cold."

"Too bad," Darlene said cynically, "I'd lock your jumbo butt outside in your underwear."

Becky glared at her and told her, "Shut up, Darlene."

"You shut up," Darlene replied.

"Hey, hey!" Roseanne told them, "Both of you's shut up, otherwise I'm taking you with us."

Jackie held her tongue until they were almost out the door, then she leaned over and asked Roseanne, "Bring them with us? What good would that do?"

"I don't know," Roseanne answered, "It was just the first thing I could think of."

* * *

Roseanne and Jackie checked out the adult costumes in the mall while D.J. was left to his own devices looking through the kids' costumes.

"I mean I guess the girls got a point, our haunted house was way more fun than the lodge's haunted house will be," Roseanne said as she took a costume off the rack and held it up against her, "On the other hand, I hate cleaning up."

"What about Crystal? Is she coming with us?" Jackie asked.

"No," Roseanne answered as she hung the costume back up, "She ain't coming, she's got a date that night." She turned to her sister and asked her, "Can you believe that?"

"That Crystal has a date?" Jackie asked.

"Well aside from that," Roseanne said, "I mean _who_ goes out on a date on Halloween? There're 364 other perfectly good days to completely _waste_ the whole night on some loser."

Jackie looked to her and commented, "And you wonder why I never want you meeting any of my boyfriends."

"Jackie, I am your big sister, alright?" Roseanne asked, "It's my job to protect you from yourself."

"Oh thanks a lot," Jackie replied.

Roseanne huffed and said, "None of these costumes that fit me are anything I want. About the only thing in my size are the witch costumes, and I was a witch last year."

"So," Jackie shrugged, "What do you want to be this year?"

"I don't know, something different," Roseanne answered as she resumed looking, "Maybe something fun for a change instead of just plain scary."

"Fun, you?" Jackie asked sarcastically.

"Oh hey, this is perfect!" Roseanne exclaimed, and pulled out an accessory set to a cat costume: collar, belt, ear headband and a plastic nose.

"I don't know, Roseanne, it doesn't really look like you," Jackie said uncertainly.

"Not for me, for you!" Roseanne told her, "It's perfect, you'll look so cute in this."

"Oh yeah," Jackie said unenthusiastically, "Real good, I don't have anybody _to_ look cute for anymore."

"That's why it's perfect," her sister told her, "You can find a new guy at the party."

Jackie rolled her eyes and scoffed.

"Mom!" D.J. came over to them, "I found the costume I want!"

"Hey that's great, Deej," Jackie said.

"Yeah, let's see it," Roseanne said as she reached to take it from him. She held it up and saw it was a witch's costume, black dress, black hat, long warty nose, black and white striped socks and red glittery slippers.

"Oh would you look at that? That's fantastic, D.J.," Roseanne told her son.

"Can we get it?" he asked her hopefully.

"Well sure," she told him as she folded it up, "You know, it's only Halloween once a year, why not? _You_ are going to be the best witch at the whole haunted house."

"Cool!"

"What about you, Roseanne, what are you going to be?" Jackie asked.

"Hmmmm," Roseanne looked around at the costumes, and didn't see anything that really grabbed her, then she went over to the costume accessories and picked up a latex and facial hair kit, and she looked back to her sister with a devilish grin.

"Uh oh, what is it?" Jackie asked.

"I've got it, Jackie," she said, "I'm going to be a man."

Jackie had a good long laugh at that, until she realized Roseanne had a dead serious look on her face, then she quit laughing and said to her sister, "What?"

"It'll be something different and it can just be fun," Roseanne said, "Hey, what'll really be fun will be to see if anyone recognizes me."

"Roseanne," Jackie tried to be diplomatic, "I'm pretty sure _everybody_ will be able to recognize you."

"We'll just see about that," Roseanne replied, then she turned to her son and added, "Come on, D.J., let's get checked out."

"Okay," D.J. followed after his mom, proudly carrying his new costume as he walked behind her.


End file.
